I can never think of a good title...

I feel as if I have missed two days in a row tonight. Yesterday I forgot to write, due to a combination of exhaustion, too many mental lists, and probably some subconscious laziness. And tonight I have been cut off from the internet for the past several hours leaving me in an odd state of disconnectedness that is much more affecting than it really ought to be. I can, in fact, survive without my email and various websites for entertainment, and weather.com for the forecast. I have proven this time and time again when I am on vacation or at my parents' house or at tournaments. But somehow having something so closely near and yet so inaccessible is the worst possible combination. I don't claim that is a new and amazing point of view of human psychology, I just find myself experiencing it more fully this year than I have before. My touch-and-go internet connection, and now entire computer system. My suitemates. My pragmatically defunct program. My eligibility. Every so often people offer my their cellphones to call Chicago. It's free! they tell me Just take my phone for the night! Do it all the time! And I have to explain that there's a reason I don't call every night - the status quo of living alone would be shattered by too much contact and it would be more than I can bear. It's taken enough time to get to a point where I don't feel constantly alone that I fear too much contact with the people I care about, the people I miss. The worst days are right after we've been together. Everything is so empty. It is as if space has suddenly expanded to emphasize the void around me. The joy of the previous presence becomes bittersweet, and dully fades into the background until enough time has passed that I can pull out the memories and look at them through my glass box, keeping them contained - to marvel but not to be pulled in.
I don't mean to imply that life is terrible, generally speaking, but these differences and juxtapositions are strongly revealing of what truly matters. I feel very poststructuralist writing that which is rather absurd since I can never keep all those post-s and -ists straight in my head. But I am fairly sure this is the school of thought that finds meaning in difference. My examples tonight may be petty and hardly worth such a multisyllabic title but I suppose it's about time I started using all the big words I learned in college.
Regardless, my internet is obviously working again and I managed a phone call to Chicago tonight, although on a land-line. Connections restored - time to make hay while the communications shine.