When does it count?

Things slowly become more real. I watched Gilmore Girls tonight (my vice, my trashy pleasure) in an episode all about relationships, more so than usual, especially upon Lorelai's frustration that her wedding was never going to happen. I am in the opposite situation, where every passing day brings it closer, makes it more real and complete. Today was about invitations - cardstock and scissors and hole punching and language. Tomorrow will be making flower and cake appointments, deciding if I want to order a different set of shoes. This weekend we have to start registering. The minutes tick by and the formalities are accomplished but at the end of it all it still comes down to the one moment where we sign the paper and our status legally changes. I suppose it's more romantic to talk about standing in front of family and friends but that part still scares me, the public confession and display of what we usually keep reserved deep within ourselves. I don't fear the meaning, just the action itself - so exposed, so raw and vulnerable. Rachel looked terrified at her wedding a month ago and I am sure I will be too - I asked Ethan to promise he would hold my hand the whole time, a small comfort, but we shall see how that would fit into the ceremony (a break after every three minutes to wipe off sweaty palms?) The normalcy of signing a document is easy to grasp, easy to anticipate. We've done that already, on file at the Field Museum. A declaration of love and faith and companionship that labeled us domestic partners, to human resources if no one else, but it felt like something real. I am not a terribly religious person but in one of the few moments in my life of spontaneous prayer I asked for our union to be blessed, years ago - is that not the essence of the sacrament of marriage? Being Protestant, I do not need the intervention of a priest but instead can go straight to God. So we have signed our paper, we have blessed our relationship. I feel married, or at least think I do. All that's really left is the party.