To rule them all

I am filled tonight with a seething mass of words and images from which I find it nearly impossible to select a single thread for a single paragraph. Sometimes the tasks I set for myself are beyond my own ability, but still we must try. I felt like I've gotten away from the title of this blog (or at least the url) so I went back to month number one of posting and took a look at the definition I pasted in there and tried to think of what I do not know, can't remember, or don't want to name. That's a fairly easy task though (geography, song lyrics, loneliness). Ethan and I rarely utter the private words "I miss you" on the phone or over email - love is a common enough term these days, but "miss" is hidden, buried, almost taboo. We fear the admission to ourselves and imposition upon the other, of making the situation less bearable through acknowledging the difficulty - an absurd idea since it's hard to sink lower and we'll be back together in three weeks. But only for the summer. This outcome has become more and more present to me in the past few days, and will be sold into concrete fact on Monday when we fax in our admissions decisions (although mine, at least, is no longer in question). I am consumed by a level of insecurity that has been long absent since I fell into this relationship - not if we will survive as a couple, but if I can keep myself sane and focused while apart for so long. I have reverted back to what comfort I have, bare as it is, in this case the ring of power (as it has been often named) which I used to hold onto every night as I fell asleep like a toddler sucking their thumb for comfort. I had my ring. And I took it off two years ago when the bling came out of the box and didn't look back until a few weeks ago when suddenly I needed that security blanket again, that assurance that in fact time will fly by and we will be together again. Two engagement rings at once from the same person may seem like overkill (much like a page-long paragraph.. yes, I know I'm cheating) but it seems to do the trick. I just wish it didn't have to. I wish I could be a strong, modern, independent woman who is utterly sensible and would shake right out of this self-doubt and into the kind of confidence that produces dissertations after three years. But I am torn horribly between my own desire for further study and pandering to my emotional happiness (though clearly the rend has been mended since I have made my decision independently). So I take comfort in the little things - a minor league hockey game, bags of frozen green beans, ultimate (my daily fix), trader joe's, an email that says "I miss you". Never in this struggle will I be alone.