Flicked into gravity?

It pains me to confess that I've been experiencing stage fright's second cousin. For close to a year now I've seen this space really as some kind of void - the vacuum pulling the text from my screen and hiding it in some remote corner of the internet-universe - and to a certain extent that's true. Out of curiosity or boredom this week I googled oojamaflip and didn't find a result for myself on the first page (only three pages total) and even the second page, where I finally found something, was linked to a specific post from several months back. I did learn that there are several happy people out there on social networks with "my" name, although I'm more resentful of the blogger site spackle (my first choice) which was taken and seems to have one post on it only. See how I avoid the issue? My relationship to this editing window is a paradox - I sit in my room, alone, writing, staring out my window in the dark (generally) delighting in the constructs of my mind. There's a reason I don't write well or often with I'm back in Chicago - the simple presence of Ethan is so overwhelming that I lose my ability to feel alone as well as my inclination to sit and compose. Maybe if he read this, but that would likely also shoot us back to the beginning of this post. I revel in the anonymity of the page despite the fact that all my devoted readers know who I am, and now that suddenly I've opened that window to more people I wonder if I have lost my comforting obscurity and I hesitate. Will there be judgment or acceptance? Liking or contempt? For as much as I write for myself I always regain consciousness as some point and remember that I've failed for years to keep any sort of journal or diary or essay-book. I need the public audience as an affirmation for this writing, once it's been done. I anxiously check comments on previous posts to see if anyone's watching, listening, affected. Did you like my phraseology? The metaphor? Did you delight as I did? Feel the excitement? I think of myself as a character on a stage and always I'm terrified that my persona won't measure up.